Kara and I have been friends since I was in 8th grade. We met each other in person on her birthday and since mine was a couple days after hers she had me blow out a birthday cake scented candle for everyone. I'll never forget that. Anything I've ever needed, she's been there to break her back doing it for me whether I knew about it or not. She had passion for everything; even things that most would consider trivial.

Nothing is Trivial.

Ever since her and Jake broke up, Kara had been really depressed. She has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, like me, and after finally trusting a guy and staying with him for an entire year, Jake suddenly started to ignore her and then all Hell broke loose. These girls were bullying her every single day telling her she was nothing, she was a terrible girlfriend to Jake, and she should just kill herself. She fought so hard against them and when she needed a break, I was there. But this was every day... eventually I stopped hearing from her as much, then not at all, and I let her go.

Tuesday night, I got a text that read "I Love You." from Kara. It struck me as weird because she usually puts "Goose" somewhere in there or a smiley face but this was just to the point. I answered back...and went back to the computer and other people I was texting. She never replied and I figured she was busy and didn't bother. I was listening to "Black" by Pearl Jam (which I want played at my funeral) and a certain part of the song suddenly made me think of Kara and I got really scared and worried about her. I started talking to her to make sure she was okay and she said she was fine and we even made plans for Thanksgiving together. We made plans! I had her all figured out. I fell asleep on her and not 10 minutes late, she texted "Please don't be mad at me."

I woke up at 6 AM to find a message that Kara had overdosed after sending me that message and was at the hospital. After pulling myself together I ran out to tell mom and just broke down. I started throwing clothes on and pacing while screaming at my walls. Mom wouldn't let me drive in my state. I had her so figured out... All those conversations about how we'd be too scared to do it (well again, on my half). I had everything under control as always. Who the fuck am I kidding now?!

They pumped her stomach 2 times and made her eat charcoal while she cried. She was so scared. I helped her pack up for Rivendell and tried to crack jokes and be insensitive to the other Rivendell patients (which somehow cracks her up) as I cut the underwire out of her bras. It amazed me how many restrictions there were on packing. No shoelaces, no holes in pants, no under wire bras, no alcohol in shampoos, the list went on and on. Since her birthday is on monday and mine's friday we exchanged our gifts. I got a teddy bear that says "I Love You" on it and her hospital bracelet, she got one of my favorite stuffed animals until I get some money.

But she took my heart with her. Ever since she left, I've been a zombie. I feel like such a failure. She called out for me and I basically pressed the "reject" button. Her mom was saying how I'm such a great friend and Kara's so lucky to have me... I couldn't even stay awake long enough to make her drop that damn pill bottle! Now when I think about her, I imagine her stuck in that place where, according to Ally, all you can hear is the other patients screaming and crying nonstop and I can see her being so scared and alone.

What Kara and I are to each other, I'll never be able to explain. We balance each other out. I'm the Strength and Mind and she's the Soul and Heart. But we can't have one without the other. Right now it just feels like someone ripped out my soul and I'm just lost. She's alive and I'm waiting for her to come back, but it's the thoughts of her being there and the "what if?" thoughts. If she had died, I would've been the last person to talk to her. I would've been her last chance. And I would've blown it.

I would've let her go.